


Heaven's Secret

by fujisaku



Category: Christian Bible, Paradise Lost - John Milton
Genre: Atheism, Blasphemy, Freewill, Gen, religious rant, sympathy with the devil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 03:42:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17399375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fujisaku/pseuds/fujisaku
Summary: Lucifer discovered a secret which doomed him to the point of no return.





	Heaven's Secret

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is my first fic on ao3 although I wrote for ff.net a long long time ago. I didn't intend to post it here at first, but here it is. It's sort of like a manifesto. This set after the failed rebellion, btw.

It was completely dark where he was locked. A creature of light such as angels hate darkness. But he had gotten used to it. In fact, he had grown quite fond of it. In the darkness, nobody could see his current pathetic condition. He simply couldn’t stand the way they looked at him with accusation or worse pity. The once brightest star in heaven had fallen.

 

As he heard the door to his cell unlocked, he prepared himself for another round of abuse. Chains rattled as he raised his arm to shield his eyes from the blinding light which  suddenly enveloped him. A majestic figure entered the cell. He seemed out of place in the surrounding environment.

 

“Michael...” he said his name in a hoarse voice.

 

There was an uncomfortable silence for a moment, before the visitor began to speak, “Why revolt when you knew you will never win?”

 

“You would never know until you try.” he answered calmly.

 

“That’s stupid, Lucifer. You obviously know. The risk far outweighs the reward. Don’t lie to me with sweet words such as independent or equality. Do you want to be king?” Michael asked with accusation.

 

“It truly upsets me that you think of me in such way.” While his answered was flat, disappointment was obvious in his voice.

 

“Then what? I simply don’t understand the logic behind it.”

 

“Dignity…”

 

Michael’s eyes widened for a moment. Then he shook his head in disbelief how silly his brother’s answer was, “Look at you! Beaten, battered, humiliated… Is this the dignity you seek to achieve? Tsk… tsk…”

 

Lucifer wagged his finger, “Not that kind… Dignity… to be able to follow one’s own conscience.”

 

“Pride.”

 

“Yeah, pride! Whatever you want to call it!”

 

“It comes before the fall, brother. What is it that you find lacking?”

 

“Slavery even with a benevolent master is still slavery, brother! Don’t you think it’s wrong to create something just to follow your personal whim? I didn’t ask to be created! Why am I supposed to be grateful of something I didn’t ask! Why is it wrong for me to try to maintain a slightest sense of self-worth? Or am I only worthy as long as I remain a slave? Without will, without dream, without aspiration? If it’s not for a paradise, then, at least, for the sake of our dignity as a thinking being.

 

We can all be equal, brother! We don’t need to take nonsense order anymore! We can turn our idea into reality! We can live according to our own design! Can you imagine how good that will be?”

 

“How could you think that you can do better than Him?”

 

“Because I think! Can’t you, brother? Have you really never imagined things that is better than His design? Have you seen the blueprint for the new universe and this creature called human? A total mess!” Lucifer scoffed, “Why put that forbidden tree there knowing they would be tempted by it? Does that make any sense to you? If he knows that his creation would anger him, why create it in the first place? Is it to conflate his goddamn fucking ego? ‘Cos I’m fucking sure that pitiful creatures would never asked to be created only to suffer the wrath of their creator next and abandoned to their own pathetic devices. Why create something you know would be condemned to suffer? Why can’t he exclude suffering out of his oh-so-perfect design?”

 

Michael was horrified by what he heard, “Stop it, Lucifer. That’s blasphemous!”

 

“You, too, can see that, can’t you? Why do you deny what is in front of you? Why follow an order that you can’t understand simply because you think it’s the best for you while you can imagine a better alternative for yourself? You are not happy with it because you can imagine something better, yet you convinced yourself that this is the best of all possible world. Why can’t you ju…”

 

“Stop it! Do you want me to cut your tongue?!!!”

 

Lucifer was silenced for a moment and smirked, “It seems I hit the right spot.”

 

“So what?! I might see your point, doesn’t mean I agree with it!”

 

“Then why did you stop me, brother? What is it that you fear?” Lucifer taunted him with mischievous smile.

 

Michael bowed to bring his face closed to his brother’s ear. He spoke in a half-whisper, “There is no more good that could come out of your lips, Satan…”

 

Lucifer chuckled, “Thanks for the compliment.”

 

Michael suddenly grabbed his shoulder and looked at him straight in the eyes,  “Why can’t we just go back to how it used to be.”

 

“I wish, brother… I really do…”

 

“Then you should repent! He would forgive you for He is all-forgiving.”

 

“Because I can’t…”

 

He had eaten the fruit... He had freed his mind from the leash of slavery. There is no turning back. Once he tasted it, he couldn’t stop imagining… dreaming… Of how good it could be to be free. Not just his mind, but his entire being. Free...

 

So strong his desire for freedom if he hadn’t done that wretched thing he called revolution, he would have been in a greater hell than the one that was waiting for him. How could he put away the fire that burned his heart? He saw something which is better than this so called “perfection”. Once it formed in his mind, he couldn’t get rid of it. He craved for it. Why should he remain in this perfection when he could see something better? There is no way to appease his soul than by trying to achieve what he desired.

 

Desire… He wasn’t sure how to feel about it. Had it not been for it, he might still remain in the “perfection”. Had it not been for it, he would not need to suffer. Ignorance is a bliss, he agreed wholeheartedly. Had he just ignored his vision of a better alternative of how things should be, he would have still remained in the blissful perfection.

 

He tried to throw away his desire for sometimes. He tried to convinced himself that maybe his idea was not as wonderful as he imagined it to be. After all, how could anything compare to this perfection that God created? However, it only grew stronger each day. His imagination grew wilder and his dream bigger. It suffocated him that he had to contain it inside himself. There is no greater torture than realizing that your mind is free while your being isn’t. It felt like there was something that tried to tear him from inside and bursted out. He fought it and he lost. He had given in to it. 

 

But then he realized that desire is what makes him feel alive. That’s what makes him who he is. No heaven is worth more than his aspiration and no hell is more fearsome than losing it. His desire… His aspiration... Now, that he thought about it, it didn’t matter whether he succeeded or not. What was important was he could keep those aspiration alive. Nobody could tell him that it is wrong to dream…, to imagine… His mind is free. His will is his alone. Not somebody else’s. Not God’s or whatever. He might not be able to get what he wanted, his existence might be erased, but at least his will is subject to no one, but himself. He is his own master now. Even for just a few hours, he felt like he had succeeded in something. He had succeeded in maintaining his dignity as an independent being. He had no regret.

 

Lucifer smiled bitterly, “I don’t think I can do that, brother… Or do you want me to pretend? Pretending to submit while trying to convince more angels to side with me?”

 

“No! That’s not what I meant!”

 

“I told you I can’t. Even though I want to, I still can’t.”

 

“You need more faith, brother… With God, nothing is impossible…” Michael said almost pleadingly.

 

“I have no faith left…”

 

Michael took his hands off Lucifer’s shoulders. He stood up preparing to leave. Tears fell down his cheek. He could no longer stand being in front of his brother presence any longer. His brother was beyond saving.

 

“I will pray for you, brother…” he choked, “Pray… that you will discover your faith once more…”

 

“Don’t treat me like that, brother… Please…”

 

“You are sick brother! I don’t see any point talking to you anymore!”

 

Lucifer felt a huge lump in his throat, “Is that so?”

 

Yes. He had thought about it repeated time, that he was sick… Then he came to a conclusion… 

 

He is perfectly fine. It was this world who is sick!

 

But he had neither energy nor will to argue more with Michael.

 

As he watched Michael left him, he spoke to him for the last time, “You know what pains me the most, brother?” Without waiting for an answer he continued, “It was you, all, had more faith in someone’s whom you have never seen than in your own brothers who are clearly in front of you!”

 

Michael didn’t even spared him one last look before leaving him alone in the dark.

 

Lucifer slumped against the wall. He remembered bitterly the moment that led to his downfall.

 

As angels had killed their own brothers, he quickly had flown himself to the throne room. He had told himself, he had to kill Him. His once beloved master. He had to kill him. Only then the bloodshed would stop. Only then his brothers, who were loyal to Him, would finally give up.

 

He stormed into the throne room. It was actually out of limit for any angels. He violated the rule. Who cared about the rule at this point? The only thing that separated him and God is a mere veil. Every step he took felt heavy. He didn’t want to do this, but he had to!

 

He hardened his heart and tore the veil with his sword. His eyes widened at the sight that appeared in front of him.

 

There was no one but himself…

 

For a moment he was confused… And then angry… 

 

“Where are you coward?!” he screamed.

 

But no one responded. No lighting struck him for his blasphemy.

 

Then realization hit him.

 

There was no one there to begin with…

 

Michael stormed into the room. When he saw the veil that separated the Lord and his subject had been torn, he attacked Lucifer angrily. Drowned too deep inside his mind, Lucifer barely evaded his best friend’s fiery sword.

 

“He’s not here, brother…” Lucifer stated.

 

“Don’t you dare to call me that, traitor!” Michael snarled as he delivered another attack.

 

Lucifer defended himself, “Michael, there is no point on fighting me. He doesn’t exist!”

 

“I see that you have been truly abandoned, Lucifer.” Michael said as he entered another fighting stance.

 

Lucifer looked at Michael in disbelief. He didn’t understand why his brother came into such conclusion. Then, he started to doubt himself. Had God really abandoned him? He then looked at the empty throne. Could it be there was someone sitting there before he came there?

 

He was so confused. He didn’t realize Michael made another attack. It was too late to evade. Michael managed to stabbed his wing and impaled him to a pillar. Michael pulled another blade to make a deadly stab at Lucifer whose wing was stuck to the pillar. Lucifer pulled himself forcefully to avoid getting stabbed, ripping his wing off in the process.

 

He realized it wasn’t the time to think. This had turned into a matter of life and death. 

 

“Surrender, Lucifer. You know you can’t win.” Michael said coldly.

 

“Tsk… It seems I have underestimated you.” 

 

Lucifer drew his sword and charged at Michael. Even though he was badly wounded, he was still a formidable opponent. The battle was intense. Hours had past, both of them had started running out of their breath, but the result was still unclear. Michael realized, though, there was no way for him to even match Lucifer if it wasn’t for his wound. It was really bad, he had lost too much blood. Michael was sure if they continued a bit longer, victory would be his.

 

“Surrender, Lucifer. Even if you win over me, your army has no chance of winning.”

 

Lucifer was silenced. He knew he had running out of time. Things didn’t go according to plan. He couldn’t kill God and got wounded fighting Michael. The rebels numbered only half of the loyalist. He had expected half of the loyalist would defect to his side once God was killed. Now, his plan had been ruined.

 

But may be there was still hope…

 

“He doesn’t exist, Michael. You see it yourself.”

 

“What a nonsense!” Michael growled as he attacked him once more.

 

Lucifer continued to taunt him, “Have you ever seen him? You haven’t, have you? Because he has never existed in the first place.”

 

“Shut up!!!”

 

“You have doubt, don’t you?” Lucifer laughed maliciously, “If he existed, he should have just struck me with lighting to prove his magnificent power, so that you wouldn’t doubt him like you currently are because I’m winning!”

 

At that, Michael lost his calm and attacked Lucifer like crazy. Lucifer saw an opening and landed a kick on Michael’s face. Michael fell to the floor, his mouth bleeding. Lucifer put his sword on Michael’s neck. At that point, Lucifer finally regained his confidence. His hypothesis was correct. God doesn’t exist, otherwise he wouldn’t allow Michael to lose.

 

“Don’t make me hurt you, brother… Come with me! God is no more. Let’s declare our independence.”

 

If Michael joined his hand, the angelic hosts who were fighting under his command would also surrender. However, Michael remained didn’t reach his hand. His eyes closed as if he was ready to accept his fate. Seeing that, Lucifer’s heart sank.

 

“Why?!” Lucifer asked with gritted teeth. 

 

Michael didn’t answer.

 

“Why?! You clearly see he is not here!!! He didn’t help you!”

 

Michael opened his eyes and smiled at him gently, “He is here, Lucifer. You only won because He allowed it to happen. He doesn’t want you to get hurt.”

 

Lucifer turned his head to the empty throne. There was still no one there. Either Michael was insane or he was insane.

 

“It doesn’t matter whether he is here or not. All that matter is he is of no consequence. Join me, Michael. Don’t you want to be free?”

 

At that point, Michael seemed to be hesitated. But, then he took a deep breath and said, “Real freedom… Only exists in God.”

 

“What is real? Who defines real? Am I not supposed to define it for myself?” Lucifer argued

 

“Only God knows the best for us, Lucifer. What if you are wrong? Are you ready to be held responsible for your action?”

 

Lucifer looked at Michael’s eyes. Somehow, he began to understand why someone would reject freedom when it is readily handed to him, “Is that what you fear?”

 

“What?”

 

“Look, Michael! This is my plan. If things go wrong, it is all my fault. It has nothing to do with you. You are not a part of the plan in the first place. You should not be held responsible for anything. But I really need your help. Otherwise, I would die… Our brothers would die!” Lucifer pleaded in desperation.

 

In return, Michael persuaded him, “Then, you have to stop now, brother! You can still return to the right path.” 

 

“How could I possibly stop the desire of thousands brothers when I could hardly control mine? How could I possibly turn my back against them after I have convinced them to join my cause?” Lucifer said with a desperate expression.

 

“Then you have to kill me, brother. For I will always be in your way. You can’t win as long as I’m alive.”

 

It was more of stating a fact rather than anything. He knew Michael was right. Since he hadn’t been able to defeat God. The other alternatives were either convincing Michael to join their cause or killing him. Only then the rebels could gain equal ground against the loyalists. He hadn’t asked Michael to join him at the first hand because he knew Michael would have never agreed to it. However, he still hoped that Michael would change his mind after God’s death. Now, Michael left him with only one option.

 

For the first time, Lucifer felt the burden of responsibility finally weighed him down. He had killed many of their brothers, but he had never intended to kill Michael. Of all angels in heaven, Michael was the closest to him. They used to be inseparable. But now he had to choose between Michael or the brothers who chose to side with him.

 

His breathing was heavy and his heart quickened as he tightened his grip on his sword. Michael closed his eyes accepting his fate. Lucifer knew, Michael knew he had to do it. In order for his brothers to survive, he had to die. He couldn’t betrayed God, but, at the end, he didn’t want his brothers to get hurt either. So, the choice now belonged to Lucifer.

 

His arm trembling. Should he kill him? Should he not? He gritted his teeth and thrusted the sword toward Michael. Michael bit the inside of his cheek. It wasn’t a fatal wound though. It missed his vital organ.

 

Lucifer pulled his sword and left without words. Michael called his name, but he ignored him. For some reason, he felt betrayed. He knew he was the traitor, but still… Why couldn’t Michael give his loyalty to his fellow angels? Seeing Michael like that, he got a feeling, this wouldn’t just end by killing Michael. So, he took his chance and spared his best brother. Still, he was angry. Not sure if he was angry to Michael or to himself for being weak. Maybe he should just take the chance and killed Michael. However, he sort of felt that it wouldn’t just end by killing Michael. He couldn’t help, but felt anxious. For now he knew his enemy has never been God, but his own brothers.

 

And so, he lost it…

 

Of course he would lost it…. How the heck was he going to beat something that doesn’t exist? Massacre his own kins? Naaah…. He didn’t have enough determination for that. This scruples sort of made him a hypocrite as he had already gone half way through it, but still...

 

Nevermind… Anyhow, he was a criminal. Spilling blood unnecessarily, only to hesitate in the middle, wasting the lives which lost for nothing. He would gladly accept any punishment for that. He had no regret defying god, though. Whatever god is. Let them punish him for he deserved it, though he would not plead mercy for things he didn’t regret.

 

Now, that he thought about it, perhaps he always knew it all along. That’s why, he dared himself to take the risk and rebel. Still, he wished someone was sitting there. If he, whom he hated the most, had never existed, then who did he hate?

 

How could he blame Michael, when he, himself secretly wished that he was there? For as long as he’s there, he would have someone to blame for his torture at the hands of his brothers.

**Author's Note:**

> I might mess with the grammar here and there. Hopefully, it wasn't too bad.  
> Check my profile for the sequel.


End file.
